


Maestitia (Sorrow)

by immortaltomo



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Based around 2x17, Best Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Heart-to-Heart, I literally don't know what to title this so it might change, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, There will be fluff, but later, rip shannon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-02-28 07:31:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18751849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortaltomo/pseuds/immortaltomo
Summary: After the death of his wife, Eddie tries to piece up the broken pieces. Stuck at a figurative crossroad, Buck gives him guidance and helps to reassemble his broken heart.





	1. Chapter One

Eddie thinks he’s going to be sick.

In fact he doesn’t just think, he knows he’s going to be sick.

It’s like in the movies where everything gets super blurry and the sounds get all distorted. He can see Buck shaking his head and speaking, but the words don’t actually reach him. He can see Chimney approaching him as if to stop him, but he can’t feel the hands push against him to keep him back. Because all he can see is Shannon laying on the concrete, half-lidded as Hen and another paramedic hover over her. 

He feels like the wind had gotten knocked out of him and it could never re-enter his lungs as he stares at brunette locks cascading over asphalt, and small tears in a yellow sundress that he has never seen her in. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. And he just wanted to be near her. Wanted to protect her. Wanted to save her. 

But he was too late.

They all were.

Hen’s eyes meet his as she shakes her head slowly, eyes overflowing with sorrow. Eddie’s frozen in place, staring at Shannon like he doesn’t believe what is happening. He’s starting to shut down, and thinks about how removed from reality he seemed to be. He can’t feel. He can’t think. It’s like the world is still yet spinning so fast around him he can’t make out a single thing. 

He wants to wake up. 

He needs to wake up.

But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t because this isn’t a dream. This is real.

They lift Shannon off the ground and onto a stretcher, the blood pooled from the crack in her skull stains the asphalt, and he watches. Watches as the love of his life, the mother of his child, gets placed into the ambulance.

He wants to run. To hop into the ambulance and hold her one last time. To tell her how much he is going to miss her. How much Christopher is going to miss her. He wants to do anything, but he can’t. 

His feet feel like they’re struck in drying cement and he can’t move. 

He was taught better than this. Trained better. That if you froze out in the field you were dead, but he couldn’t process anything. 

He was numb.

Buck tried to focus on getting the women out of the car. She complained of having neck pain, but still had feeling elsewhere which cleared her of major spinal damage. She kept asking about the other woman; if she was going to be okay, if she was in trouble. Buck was trying his best to calm her down while also trying to calm himself done too. He knew very well who the other woman was and it made his stomach do flips. 

With the help of another responder they were able to get the girl out of the car. She would be fine. Some bruising and soreness- which were all common from whiplash- but otherwise she would live. 

He just wished he could have said the same for Shannon.

The scene broke his heart. Eddie’s breathing was erratic, out of control, and his hands trembled at his sides. He wanted to reach out and grab them, to look him in the eyes and tell him everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to his best friend. Because in honesty, he didn’t know if it was. 

He couldn’t even imagine what was going through Eddie’s head at the time. His heart ached for him, and he knew he couldn’t just let Eddie self-destruct by himself.

Eddie doesn’t really know how he gets back to his house. He has flashes of taillights, of a calm voice, of his hands shaking as he tries to unlock the front door. 

He never made Shannon a key. 

He never gotten around to it, and it wasn’t like she was frequently coming over to the house. He would come to her to drop Christopher off, and she would knock on the door when she would drop him back off. She never once said anything about it or seemed to have a problem with it, but now it was eating Eddie alive. What kind of husband doesn’t get his wife a house key?

Nothing makes sense. 

 

Buck takes the keys out of Eddie’s hands. He can’t steady them enough to unlock the door, and it’s killing Buck to watch him struggle. He unlocks the door and leads Eddie into the house. 

Eddie’s not really here.

He’s not really anywhere.

He thinks he might be sitting on his sofa, and there might be a glass of water in his hands and a blanket draped over his shoulders, but he can’t be sure. 

He might still be in the middle of the road watching the first person he has ever loved die before his eyes.

He can’t be certain.

There’s a voice next to him, but it sounds like he’s underwater and the clarity of the words never reach him. 

He feels like he is suffocating. Like there is a boulder on his chest trapping him below the surface, and he doesn’t have the strength to push it off of himself as he sinks further and further down.

It’s all a total blur. 

Buck helps Eddie to the couch. He doesn’t know what to do, but he knows he has to get Eddie off his feet before he collapses. He is still shaking, so Buck takes what he assumes to be Christopher’s PAW patrol blanket off the couch and gently places it over Eddie’s shoulders. 

He looks pale so Buck grabs him a glass of water after struggling to find where Eddie keeps all his glasses. Bucks never been to Eddie’s. Well, inside his place. He’s picked him up or dropped him and Christopher off a few times, but he’s never actually stepped foot in Eddie’s home until today. 

He wishes it was under different circumstances.

Eddie doesn’t think he’s drinking the water. If he is, he doesn’t remember, and suddenly the glass isn’t in his hands. 

Then he’s in his room and someone is helping him take off his shoes. Or maybe they were off before. He can’t remember. 

Buck knew he should never have developed these thoughts. Eddie was his best friend and he was still technically married. They were coworkers so surely there would be some conflict, but he couldn’t help himself. He had thought of what it would be like to undress Eddie- and not just with his eyes- and it never involved putting clothes back on him. And yet here he was. Helping Eddie out of his work clothes and into bed because he looked so frail and distraught that Buck didn’t know what else to do. He doubted Eddie would actually sleep, but if he did at least it would be in the comfort of his own bed. 

Eddie crawls under the covers. It’s heavy. The weight of the material is heavy, and it’s dragging him down farther, but it’s warm. He doesn’t have the energy to push it off and he’s not sure if he really wants it off. 

Someone touches his hair and says something that he think is supposed to be comforting. And maybe it is. Maybe it’s comfort, because it feels like something he would do to Christopher when he gets sicks.

His face is hot and _oh god_ , how is he supposed to tell Christopher. He had—they had just gotten her back, and now she’s—she’s gone. She’s dead.

He lets his head hit the pillow, and closes his eyes. He’s exhausted.

Buck watches Eddie for a long time. He’s unsure if the man is actually asleep, but he hopes he is. His breathing is no longer erratic, but rather steady and calm. His hair has fallen in front of his face and Buck desperately wants to brush it back, but he doesn’t want to wake him up.

Buck sighs, millions of thoughts tangled in his own mind, as he leaves the room. He leaves the door ajar as he takes the couch. Eddie shouldn’t be alone right now. 

It takes Buck a long time for fall asleep that night. He knows he should be resting, he has a shift tomorrow that he desperately wants to take off to be with Eddie, but every cell in his body is filled with tension. 

Was Eddie going to be okay? Was Christopher?

There was nobody stronger that he has ever met than Eddie. He had been through so much, seen so much, that there wasn’t a doubt in Buck’s mind that he would be able to overcome anything, but this… this he wasn’t sure anyone could handle. 

At midnight, Bucks phone dings. It’s Maddie questioning if he was going to make it home. After everything that happened with Abby, he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Maddie has always taken care of Buck- the role of a big sister he guessed. He knew that he should very well have a place to his own by now, decrease his sisters worry every night, but there’s a large part of him that’s scared to be alone. 

Not that he would tell anyone that. 

He’ll blame it on wanting to protect his sister after the whole Doug debacle, or the ridiculous cost of living in Los Angeles before he admits he’s scared of turning into his former self.

He texts his sister back informing her that he was going to be at Eddie’s all night and not to worry before setting his phone back on the coffee table. 

Eddie’s door is still open, and Buck can hear him stir in the thick silence of the night. Bucks heart is in a million pieces.

He can’t see how to put it back together.

He can’t see how he can bring Eddie out of his catatonic state, how to help heal his broken heart, how he can help him recover from all the trauma and pain he has seen. 

But he’s going to have to figure it out.

Because Eddie is his best friend and that’s what best friends do.


	2. Chapter Two

Buck wakes up to the sound of his phone alarm. He groggily reaches over to shut it off. For a second it’s peaceful, blissful, before the memories of last night crash over him like a tsunami. 

Fuck.

His neck is stiff from sleeping on the couch all bent and folded into weird positions because he was slightly too tall for it. He doesn’t regret it. He wanted to be here in case Eddie needed anything in the middle of the night. Luckily, for both of them, he slept through the night. 

Buck rubs the sleep from his eyes as he maneuvers his way off the couch. He stretches, bone popping as he tilts his head from side to side. He has to be at work in an hour, but first he has to check on Eddie.

Eddie is still sleeping when Buck peers inside the room. It should bring him some sort of comfort, but he knows that in a few minutes he will have to leave and Eddie will wake up alone. And if Buck has thought Eddie was self-destructing yesterday he couldn’t imagine the damage when he was alone.

He wants to wake him up. To tell him to call him if he needs anything, but who knows the next time Eddie will be able to fall asleep once everything starts to settle in. 

So he calls the only person he knows with free time to spare, and really good motivational speeches. He also texts Chimney to let him know that he might be late while he waits for them to get here.

Sure enough, Bobby arrives fairly quickly and practically ushers Buck out the door claiming how “he’s got everything under control”. Buck sighs as he make his way to his jeep. He really hopes that Bobby is right.

Eddie wakes up around 2pm. He somehow still feels overly exhausted and could probably fall back asleep for another couple of hours if everything didn’t come back to him.

He manages to get to the trash can in the corner of his room before vomiting for a solid five minutes. He dimly recognizes a knock on the door, and the comforting hand on his back as he throws up the entire contents of his stomach. When he’s finally done, he wipes his mouth and sees Bobby kneeling beside him with a look of concern etched across his face.

Eddie doesn’t remember how or when Bobby got here. Everything after the accident was a mess in his head. 

“You okay?” Bobby asks.

“Not really” he admits, his voice hoarse.

“C’mon. Let's get you back in bed and I’ll grab you a glass of water.”

Eddie just nods. He tries to push himself off the floor, but his legs feel like jello. Bobby tosses Eddies arm over his shoulder and helps him to bed. 

Eddie takes a deep breath.

The taste of vomit on his tongue makes him feel like throwing up again. 

Bobby retreats to the kitchen and comes back moments later with a glass of water. Bobby watches him sip the water with his arms crossed over his chest. For some reason he feels like he’s going to be scolded at. And he knows he can’t handle that right now.

He knows Shannon is dead, but his mind doesn’t even want to touch that right now. It’s like a hot stove. Every time the memory pops up it burns and he pulls back before he can get hurt. 

Eddie throws up in the trash can again. Bobby has handed it to him once he saw him jerk forward. It’s too painful. It’s burning, but he can’t— he can’t.

Bobby is with him the whole time as he sobs and vomits into the trash can. He’s saying comforting things and rubbing circle on his back, and Eddie is insanely grateful Bobby is here because he couldn’t even imagine what he would do if he was alone right now. 

Even when Eddie finishes throwing up for the second time his head still hung over the trash can. He feared if he moved his stomach would churn more than it already was and he would be right back to throwing up. 

His throat burned, raw and agitated for the acidity of his stomach. 

He stays like that for what feels like hours until he feels like his stomach has finally settled enough. Bobby takes the trash can, says something about cleaning it, and watches as Eddie curls back underneath the covers.

He feels safe in his bed. As long as he stays here to can avoid facing the world that has just taken his first love away from him. 

Once Eddie closes his eyes again, Bobby takes the trash can and goes to wash it out. Eddie will probably need it later and it’s much easier to clean vomit out of a trash can than out of carpet. 

Bobby tries not to think about it too hard. If he thinks about it, pesky thoughts about his own family are going to start appearing and he already has to talk about it so much in court that he rather not think about it now. 

Bobby knows first hand what it’s like to lose a wife, and while grief is different for everyone, he has an idea of what Eddie must be going through. He did the same. 

He had locked himself in a hotel room for days on end. Had helped himself more times than he’s proud to admit to the mini bar, and pushed any and all forms of help out the door. 

He wasn’t going to let Eddie go down that path, and no matter how hard these next couple days, weeks, months, years were going to be for Eddie he was confident that him and the 118 would never allow him to feel alone. Especially Buck.

Buck had really matured since he joined Bobby’s squad. Bobby remembers thinking he was always going to be some childish boy after finding him on the roof with yet another woman. He’s proud of everyone from his team, but Buck has changed so much in such little time that it shocks him to remember a time where his antics were selfish and reckless. 

They were lucky to have him.

All day, Buck’s worrying about Eddie.

Even when he nearly face planted out of a tree, his mind is still swarming with concern for Eddie. 

The day is slow, and there isn’t enough crazy adrenaline-pumping calls to distract himself from his thoughts. He wants to call Bobby to see how Eddie’s doing, but he was practically spamming Bobby all day who had replied with nothing short of ‘he’s fine.’ 

Hen makes a joke about his eating habits when he tells her he’s not hungry. His stomach feels queasy and he’s sure if he eats anything he’s going to be hunched over a toilet. 

They get two more calls before Buck is done with his shift. He had to stop himself from heading directly to Eddie’s after work. He needs a shower and maybe a change of clothes if he’s going to be crashing again at Eddie’s. Plus, he also has to check in with Maddie before she files a missing persons report on him. She’s overly protective, but Buck would be lost without her.

Maddie wraps him in a hug when he gets home. Chimney had called her and told her what happened. She wanted to know how both him and Eddie were holding up. 

He wanted to tell her he was torn. He felt miserable and useless and confused and angry. He wanted nothing more than to comfort Eddie during this time, but he had no idea how. How was anyone supposed to be able to pull someone out of the depths while trying to also not lose yourself there too? Instead he tells her he’s okay, worried about Eddie, but overall he’s okay. It wasn’t a complete lie- he definitely was concerned for Eddie- but okay? He wouldn’t go that far.

She smiled softly at him as if to say “I’m here for you if you need anything” before pulling him into another quick hug. 

Eddie wrapped his arms around himself as he laid in the darkness of his own room. He was pretty sure the heat was on, and he was wrapped in his comforter, and yet he never felt so cold. 

Even when he was in the army and had to dive into freezing water to rescue one of his men he never felt this cold. He could still feel the water surround him, but he was alone. There was no one to save but himself.

He wanted to call out for Bobby. He could still hear the other man in the living room with the tv on low, but he couldn’t bother him. His voice wasn’t strong enough and neither were his legs to get up. So he just laid there until the coldness faded as he fell asleep.

Athena had called a little after 8pm. Bobby figures she was off of work and wondering where her fiancé was this late at night. Instead she asks if she should wait up for him. Buck had already texted him saying that he was on his way back, so he tells her he will be home within the hour. 

He sits at the couch going through the binders that are overflowing with wedding stuff. The guilt sets in soon enough when he realizes that while he is preparing for a wedding Eddie has to prepare for a funeral. He shuts the binders and focuses on the basketball game on the tv. 

Bobby doesn’t remember falling asleep. He didn’t feel tired yet here he was being woken up by the sound of his phone ringing violently next to him. 

“Jesus Cap do you know how many times I have called you?” Buck said, a hint of annoyance and worry in his voice. 

“Sorry,” Bobby mumbles pushing himself off the couch. “Are you here?”

“I’ve been here for like the past twenty minutes.”

Bobby gets the door, and is immediately bombarded with a million questions. Bobby just stands there while Buck rants.

“Is he okay? Is he awake? Did you talk to him? Were you able to get him to eat anything?” 

Bobby just clears his throat as if to cut Buck off and he apologizes. Bobby knows he is just worried. They all are.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to stay the night?” Bobby asks.

“You just want me to leave him here? By himself?”

“I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself and not just Eddie. This isn’t easy on any of us.”

“I’m fine,” Buck snaps a little too harshly. He glances at Bobby apologetically whose eyes are now wildly filled with concern. Bobby can’t have two of his friends destroy themselves pretending to be okay or shutting down.

Buck promises to give Bobby a call if he needs anything and sends him on his way. Athena was probably waiting for him anyways, and he needed to check in on Eddie. 

Eddie can hear voices. Their muffled and distance, but he can still hear them. And then he hears the front door shut. For a moment he feels entirely alone. He lets it sink into his skin, and he feels like clawing it out. He’s alone. He’s alone and Shannon is dead and—

There’s a creak in the floorboards that causes Eddie’s breath to hitch in his throat. 

Then there is a small stream of light that pours into his bedroom. 

Buck pushes open Eddie’s bedroom door just enough to see if he’s asleep. He expects Eddie to be sleeping, but instead he is met with Eddie staring back at him with wide eyes. 

Shit.

“Hey,” Buck said entering the room completely. “I didn’t think you would be up.”

It’s too dark to see, and Eddie’s brain is still trying to sort itself out while his heart is trying to calm down. It takes him a minute before he’s able to connect the voice with his memories. 

“Buck?”

He hates how his voice sounds right now. How raw and shakey it sounds. He feels like throwing up again.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

Relieve fills Eddie and then all of a sudden he feels like he is drowning again. He’s gasping for air, unable to force enough oxygen into his lungs. His chest feels like it’s caving in on him as he tries to speak. “Shannon is—” 

Buck is next to Eddie in two strides. He’s pulled Eddie into his chest and is trying to calm him down. It doesn’t even know what set him off. Bobby said he was fine when he left and then less than 5 minutes later he’s having a panic attack the moment he sees Buck? 

Eddie doesn’t want to be held. Eddie doesn’t want to be here. He shouldn’t have let this happen. He shouldn’t be alive right now when Shannon is…

He’s trying to pull away from Buck, but the other man keeps him firmly against his chest. He feels trapped, suffocated. He’s trying to find the words, but he’s breathing too hard to speak. 

Buck doesn’t know what to do. He’s talked people out of a panic attack before, but this time all he can say is “everything is going to be okay”. Eddie’s struggling a lot, but Bucks scared of what’s going to happen if he lets go. He’s seen someone claw at their throat till their fingertips bled while having a panic attack and he wants to prevent Eddie from hurting himself at all cost. 

It feels like hours before Eddie finally stops fighting. He’s still crying and hiccuping occasionally for air, but he’s no longer gulping like a fish out of water or trying to pull away from Buck. 

If Buck had it his way, he would hug Eddie so tightly that all his broken pieces would come back together. But he knows that’s not possible. Instead, once he’s confident Eddie has stopped crying, he nudged him to lay down. 

Eddie looks so small curled up with tears stained across his face. Buck wants to wipe them off, but he just gives his shoulder a gently squeeze and leaves him to sleep.

On the other side of the door, Buck is doubled-over, using the back of the couch as support, and trying to stop his heart from jumping out of his chest. He feels dizzy. 

He can feels his heart slowly break.

It’s like walking on ice. You ignore the small noises coming from underneath your feet until the whole thing shatters and you’re falling through the surface. 

A few stray tears roll down his face. He’s been trying to stay strong for Eddie, but the pain in his eyes and in his voice it’s—it’s too much for him. He feels broken, shattered, and he doesn’t know how to put himself back together.

But he has to try. 

Because he can’t afford to breakdown and make things worse for Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stayed up til 4am writing this because I'm *that* excited about it. 
> 
> yell at me if there is any errors, thanks.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edited) I went back and fixed this chapter. I wasn't a huge fan on how it was written, so hopefully now I can actually push forward with a story I am proud of. It's nothing that drastically changes the course of the story, but read it if you'd like :)

It was an all hands on deck type of morning. The package bombings were really shaking everyone up. They must have responded to a handful of false alarms or avoidable accidents due to all the panic. It was reasonable though. If he didn’t already have his brain filled with sirens, he might have started to feel scared as the number of incidents occurred. The last he heard, there was three bombings with, sadly, one death.

Of course on top of all the uneasiness with the bombings, they still had other calls to worry about. They had tended to a bike crash victim who ended up with a dislocated hip and a couple scrapes and bruises. It would have been pretty standard if Buck didn’t have to help push back a man who was yelling at said biker about where he should be riding.

They also were called to the beach when two girls were caught in a rip current, to a small kitchen fire at a Chinese restaurant, and to a school where a history teacher had a heart attack. All before noon. But that was California. Never a dull moment.

Buck was exhausted.

He was restless all night at Eddie’s. He couldn’t shut off his brain long enough for him to get any sleep. Also, it didn’t help that at nearly 7 in the morning, Eddie was frantic. He kept going on and on about having to get her back. Buck was confused. Denial was one of the stages of grief, but he had assumed after last night Eddie was long past denial. It wasn’t until he was able to stop and calm Eddie down that he found out what was wrong.

Last night, Eddie had found himself awake and wanting to hear Shannon’s voice only to find his phone was dead. He was so out of everything that he didn’t even think about how he would never be able to hear her soft, sweet voice again. He couldn’t.

The scrambled-ness of his brain was either a curse or a blessing. He wasn’t sure yet.

After two days on a dead battery, he put it on charge and was met with an out pour of messages and missed calls from various people trying to get in contact with him. Eddie would be lying if he said it didn’t overwhelm him.

One notification in particular stuck out to him. It was an unknown number who had left him a voicemail. He wouldn’t have given it any thought, some telemarketer or something, but it had called him multiple times. He clicked on the voicemail and listened to as the energetic and sweet sounding woman at Los Angeles Hospital informed him about receiving his wife’s possessions.

It left Eddie stunned and incapacitated until something in his brain clicked.

Despite the aching urge to sink into the mattress and disappear for eternity, Eddie got up and ventured out into the living room for the first time in two days. He’s barely moved aside from the few steps from his bed to bathroom and even that felt like a marathon.

He probably looks like a madman rushing around the living room for his keys. He can’t find them. Every time he comes home, he puts them in the exact same spot as to avoid situations like this. He needs them. He needs to hold onto Shannon for as long as he can.

Buck ended up calling Eddie’s Abuela who had been kind enough to watch Christopher for the past two days. It wasn’t that Buck didn’t trust Eddie, it was.. Well no, it was sort of like that. He didn’t trust Eddie would be able to drive and remain cool-headed after getting Shannon’s things. Just being in the hospital could push him, and being handed a bag full of the last of Shannon’s possession.. That- that could break him. Buck was so scared that this would only push Eddie further into hiding. If he could have, he would have went down there himself and gave them to Eddie when he more stable, but he didn’t even know. And he had work.

Buck knew Eddie was in good hands. His Abuela, who he had met only once, was a wonderful person. She was so caring and supportive of Eddie and Christopher, but it didn’t help the gnawing feeling surrounding Buck all day at work.

In this state, Eddie was unpredictable. He didn’t know how Eddie would handle everything, and it scared him. He could protect strangers every single day, but not his best friend.

Eddie remembers the day Shannon came back. He was hurt and confused, she brought back so many painful ghosts that he had spent years trying to forget. She kept saying that she missed him, that she missed Christopher. And he wanted to believe her. He wanted to, but...

If only back then he knew what would happen, he might have done something differently.

He never regretted marrying Shannon. She was his one. He believed that at all cost. But maybe she would have still been alive if he never asked. Maybe she wouldn’t have came searching for him in a new state with crazy dangers, or maybe… maybe she would have died alone on some different street, in pain hoping that someone would have told her to stay.

Thanks to Hen, Buck was able to keep himself distracted even when they weren’t on a call. Honestly, Buck might have lost his mind if he sat here anxiously waiting.

She tells him about Karen’s- her wife- new position. It allows her to work from home so she can spend more time with Denny. It’s a good gig; cushy. Hen also lets it slip that they might even be considering a second kid. The station practically fills with excitement after that.

There was more paperwork than Eddie had expected, and on top of every single form it felt like said something along the lines of “the deceased individual” just to rub salt in the wounds. Legal stuff was always insensitive because it had to be straightforward.

One phone with a purple case decorated with stickers that were peeling off, one pair of sunglasses, one wallet, one set of keys, one stick of peppermint chapstick, and a yellow sundress. It was hard to imagine that everything he had left of his wife filled one set-up bag. He still would have to sort out stuff at her apartment, but for the time being a plastic bag of material was all he got.

He said nothing as they left. He said nothing on the drive back home.

Eddie felt like a stranger in his own home. Everything seemed so different and open. He was too exposed and anything could hurt him outside the sanctuary he built himself. Everything reminded him of her. Everything hurt. He wanted to run back into his room, shut out everything and just… breathe. But he could feel his Abuela’s eyes on the back of his neck. And he had Christopher. Even though his son was the bravest kid ever, Eddie needed to be strong for him. Eddie wasn’t the only person affected by Shannon’s death.

**> ><<**

The days all seemed to blur together, and before Eddie fully realized it, he was standing at his wife's funeral. The suit he is wearing feels heavy, constricting. It was the one he wore when he first graduated the academy. Sadly, all the joy he felt when he first wore it was replaced with a gloomy sorrow. Shannon’s funeral takes place inside a building with soaring baroque arches and stained-glass windows. White round banquet tables with lilacs fill the room along with the attendees.

Lilacs were Shannon’s favorite. Eddie wasn’t aware of that on their first date when he had stopped to get flowers. He just liked the color and thought Shannon would as well. She said they symbolized first love. Seeing them scattered on the tabletops reminded him of the painstaking truth that his first love was gone, stripped away from his life.

Eddie wandered among the guest, lost and aimless, responding to the sympathetic words of those around him with appropriate, practiced replies. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” they say and Eddie would smile gently and say “thank you.” It was strange to see so many family members that he hadn’t seen since he moved out here over a year ago. A lot of his family weren’t the biggest advocates when they first got married, and their views only strengthened by Shannon leaving.

His mother stops him towards the back of the room. He couldn’t even imagine bringing himself any closer to the casket. From back here, he is able to survey the room. The room seemed to be split into groups of people talking. Christopher was with his abuela near the middle of the room and had been surrounded by other relatives. He still wore his smile, bright and warm. Eddie would never begin to understand how he had gotten so lucky to have such a brave kid.  
Up at the front was a large photo of Shannon perched near the coffin. She was sweet, homely, her smile etched into Eddie’s skull. It was the day before she left town to look after her mother. Eddie had never seen her happier or lively, but apparently he was wrong. That day was perfect. She wanted a perfect last day together. If only she had known it would end up like this.

His mother is dressed in white so she stands out in a sea of blacks, greys, and navy blues. Eddie’s mother had always been like this, saying she’d rather celebrate a life than one ending. She was three inches taller than him in her heels. A warm-looking woman with reddish-brown hair. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”  
No, you can’t. He smiles graciously, knowing she means well. After all, she wasn’t the most caring figure in his life. “Thank you for coming,” he said. “It means a lot, and I know Shannon would have appreciated it.”

“Look honey, I know we didn’t always see eye to eye with each other, but truly, I am sorry.”

Eddie just nods, trying his best to keep himself together. His mother pulls him into a hug. He can’t remember the last time she hugged him. It was partially his fault, he was aware of that, but for now he caved into it, holding onto her as if he would fall if he let go.

“You’re so tiny,” his mother said, pulling away and wiping her tears. “We need to get you back home and fatten you up! California with its kale this and acai that has really done a number on you.”

His mother, for reasons unknown to him, had always hated California. She practically begged him to stay when he had first told his parents he was taking Christopher to start fresh to the golden state. It was nothing short of a miracle that she actually traveled out here for him.

Little did he know there was another reason why his family had all flown here.

“What would you think about moving back?” She asked.

“What? Back home to El Paso? No, I don’t think so.”

“Eddie,” his mother grabbed his hands. “We know how much you loved Shannon, but she is gone, and you are a single father again, okay, and the hours you work--”

Eddie cut her off, pulling his hands away. Of course. Of course, there was some secrete agenda his parents were on instead of coming to support their own son and grandchild.

“That’s why you came, huh? To take Chris and I back home? His mother isn’t even in the ground yet and you want to rip him away from the life we have been building here for the past year?”

Eddie hadn’t meant to yell, certainly, he hadn’t meant to draw the attention of every single person in the room and make it so when he was done, you could hear a pin drop in the silence.

“I need some air,” Eddie stated, fleeing to the closest exit.

Eddie can’t stand it anymore. The feelings had been bubbling under him all day, and he finally boiled over. His mother always had a special way of eliciting anger out of him.  
He had spent the past year trying to rebuild. He just got his shield, and he just got Christopher into a really good school. He doesn’t want to uproot him again. It was hard enough the first time, and what kind of father would he be if he took Christopher away the moment he stayed laying roots? His mother's request is absurd, it makes his skin burn just thinking about it.

Their home is here, and so is their family. There’s nothing on Earth that would make him leave all that behind.

Carla finds him a little later. She sits with him for a while, not talking, but just letting him deal with everything. Eddie was the first one to talk.

“When Shannon left, I felt like I would never heal. I did everything in my power to try to stop thinking about her. Hell, I even moved up here to finally get away from all the memories that haunted me back in El Paso. Eventually, I did, heal I mean, but this whole experience- it feels like that wound just got ripped right back open again and has been amplified a million times worse, and this time I don’t think I can survive it.”

“Wounds heal Eddie.”

“Into scars.”

Carla took a breathe. Eddie wasn’t really up for a pep talk, but Carla always knew when he needed to hear something. She was the one who had convinced him to even take the plunge to trust Shannon again. “Today, this is absolutely a deep wound, okay? But eventually, it’ll fade, and when it does, you’ll find out that there is always second chances if you're brave enough to take the leap.”

Eddie scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I don’t even want to think of that right now Carla.”

“And I’m not saying you have to. Take a look around Eddie. There are so many people who love you and want nothing but your happiness. Don’t push that away because of guilt.”

Eddie’s eyes fall on Buck and his sister as they get out of Evan’s jeep. From where he sat, they couldn’t see them, but it allowed Eddie to just observe. Buck had been with him since the beginning. He was the first person to really challenge him here, and he was also the first person who accepted him. Buck had been by Eddie’s side this whole time, who has seen him at his very worst and still called Eddie his friend. Buck had also grown such a close bond with Christopher. Chris was always drawing pictures to give to “his Buck.” Buck had become such an indispensable part of his life that he didn’t know if he would have made it through this past year without his friendship and support.

“Yeah,” Eddie trails off unable to pull his glance from the blonde who made his heart swell.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit)  
> I went back and changed the end of this chapter. I didn't like the path I was going down, and four months later I finally figured out where I want it to go. 
> 
> I'm sorry. Please forgive me :)

Surprise was an understatement. Flabbergasted maybe? Buck needed an extensive dictionary to describe his emotions.

Eddie was at work.

Buck had to rub his eyes and pinch himself to make sure he was actually seeing this correctly. It had been less than a week, and he was just back? Buck was, of course, happy, but he was more worried than anything.

The team was whole, but it felt so… _wrong?_

Nobody expected Eddie to be back this quickly yet here he was. Buck wanted to walk up to him and ask him what he was doing here, but Bobby gives him a look as to say “let it rest, kid.” The past couple days have not been good, and he’s worried Eddie isn’t taking the appropriate measures in order to grieve properly.

It’s not healthy to push aside feelings, he of all people should know that.

After spending last night with Christopher, Eddie realized that just because his world stopped didn’t mean _the_ world stopped. Despite everything, it kept spinning which meant he still had obligations to uphold and he couldn’t fulfill them being selfish and hiding away in his room.

It wasn’t like death was new to him or anything. He’s lost people before in Afghanistan. It stings every time you lose a brother or sister in arms, but war never gives you the time to cope. There’s no time to sort thing through, no consulting or strategizing; you just started tending to the wound before your mind could process what was going on. Sometimes it was too late by the time they get to the infirmary. Sometimes the answer was staring at you in the face, but with the adrenaline buzzing in your ears and through your veins, it’s hard to focus, hard to think.

There’s no guidelines on how to deal with death. If there was, he might have been somewhat of an expert at dealing with it, but sometimes the best you can do is let go. Right now, the best thing for him is to continue.

Work is where he needed to be.

Eddie poured himself into it. Everything else went on the back burners and all he was focused on were the calls that came in. If he had the ability to prevent others from experiencing the same misfortune as him, he was going to do everything in his power to do so.

 

“He’s going to be okay, right?” Buck asked as him and Chimney watched Eddie clean the truck from the lounge.

“Eddie is as strong as they get Buck you don’t have to worry” Chimney said munching on an apple before leaving Buck to himself.

It wasn’t really reassuring. Buck knew Eddie was strong, but everyone needs help at some point. He just didn’t want Eddie pushing himself before he was ready for it. He could fall deeper into despair than before if that happened.

 

Buck stops Eddie after their shift ends.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He says for what’s probably the hundredth time. Buck just wanted to be sure.

Eddie sighs out loud and shuts his locker. “I’m fine Buck,” he says.

Buck wants to believe him. Everyone else seems to, but he can’t shake it. They didn’t see what Buck saw. They didn’t see Eddie completely crumble before their eyes like Buck had. They didn’t hear his cries or feel his body tremble against theirs. They weren’t there, and he couldn’t accept that over the course of one night that Eddie was, as he claimed, fine.

Eddie’s not fine, but he doesn’t have the energy to explain to the blonde that things are so far from fine.

For the first time in his life, he thinks, the sight of blood made him queasy. Every time he saw it today, he thinks about the blood stained asphalt and Shannon’s dead body and—

It was painful, and made him feel physically sick.

So instead, he completely lied to Buck because he could see that glimmer in his eyes and concern splashed across his face. The last thing Eddie needed right now was to be treated like a glass doll. Sure maybe he was being held together by weak hot glue that wasn’t really holding the pieces together, but he was somewhat together. Damaged, but together.

There was a couple times during the day where those pieces were falling off, and he ended up hiding out in the bathroom because it was just too much. He spent the time trying to get his emotions and breathing under control.

After he came home from Afghanistan, he was sent to a therapist to see if he would be able to return back into society. The therapist taught him some tricks in dealing with flashback or other symptoms of PTSD. For the most part, they helped ground him so he was able to progress with his day, but sometimes he wasn’t so lucky. Sometimes he needed rescuing.

All day Bobby had his eye on Eddie. Before his shift even started, Bobby talked to him about if he was truly ready to get back out there. Eddie insisted that he just needed to get back to normal.

After losing his wife and kids, Bobby was a mess, and even though Eddie was trying to act tough, Bobby could see right through it. He had put up the same facade, so when he went into the restroom and found Eddie clenching the edge of the sink and choking out sobs, it wasn’t a shock.

Bobby places his hand gently on Eddie’s shoulder for reassurance. He never wants Eddie to feel like he’s alone in any of this. He has the whole 118 looking out for him.

“Sorry” Eddie mumbles, “just getting it together.”

He gathers himself and thanks Bobby when his tears have stopped. Bobby is already preparing his speech, but is cut off by another emergency.

Right now all Eddie wants is to go home and spend time with Christopher, but Buck only continues to pester him. It’s sweet how much Buck cares, and it feels wrong lying to him, but he doesn’t want Buck worrying about him.

He’ll talk to him later. When it’s not so raw. When thinking about Shannon doesn’t… hurt.

Maybe.

Buck is getting nothing from Eddie. He won’t budge. He just wished Eddie would confide in him instead of shutting him out.

“If you bottle up your feelings, you’re going to explode.”

“Pretty sure I’m not going to actually explode,” Eddie jokes. He hopes it would lighten the mood, and prove to Buck that he is fine.

“Okay fine,” Buck groans. “You won't _actually_ explode, but it’s not healthy!”

“You don’t have to worry about me Buckley” Eddie says, singling his bag over his shoulder.

Buck rolled his eyes at the use of his name. “You’re my best friend of course I’m going to worry about you!”

“I’m fine Buck just go home,” Eddie snapped more forcefully than he meant to before walking out of the station and leaving Buck stunned. It wasn’t that Eddie was purposely pushing Buck away. Buck was his best friend, and even though they had a bit of a bumpy start, Buck was the first person who had his back and made this feel like a team. But Eddie was scared. He didn’t want to lose Buck. He couldn’t lose Buck and—

He couldn’t think about that right now. He needed to get home to his son.

 

Los Angeles traffic was awful even at night. After all, it was just another hour and a half of him and his echoing thoughts no matter how hard he tried to drown them out with the radio.

He wished Shannon never came back. It sounds harsh, but if she hadn’t it never would have felt so conflicted. He was so confused when Shannon came back. At first it was just so Christopher could get into a good school, and then… then she stayed. He wanted to be mad. She had left not only him, but Christopher, and showed no signs of coming back until Eddie reached out. He was scared of getting hurt again, and worried that having Shannon come back to leave again would only confuse Christopher more. But slowly he remembered why he was in love with this woman. She was his everything, and he could picture them being a family again. He was beginning to see things how they were in Texas before Shannon left to take care of her mom: happy.

And then just like that.

Everything was gone.

Losing Shannon once was miserable, but twice… twice was unbearable.

It’s his fault, he thinks. If he had just told Shannon off after they had the interview, she wouldn’t be dead. If he hadn’t let his emotions complicate everything, she wouldn’t be dead. If he didn’t ruin every goddamn thing he touched, she—

Eddie's hand tighten on the steering wheel as he drove home, trying to block out the sharp thoughts. 

 

By the time Eddie had gotten home, Christopher was already fast asleep. Eddie travels back to his room, strips off his work clothes, and climbs into bed.

The silence that fills the house weighs on him like a ton of bricks. He tosses and turns for a while, unable to find himself being pulled into the bliss of slumber. After an hour, he grabs his phone, and calls Buck.

Eddie doesn't miss a beat when the phone stops ringing. "Look I know it is late, but do you want to come over?" He asks desperately.

Buck hesitates. For a moment, he thinks something bad has happened and his mind quickly runs through even the most absurd possibilities. Finally, he remembers how to use his mouth and asks, "Yeah, is everything alright?"

Eddie sighs. "Yeah I just- this is going to sound really stupid, but I just don't want to be alone right now."

If there was one thing Eddie hated was being vulnerable. It made his skin tingle and left open an opportunity for him to get hurt. He trusted Buck, but his experiences taught him that trust wasn't enough to prevent him from getting hurt.

"It's not stupid Eddie," Buck said, trying to reassure him. "I'll be there in 20."

**Author's Note:**

> me: *has a handful of final papers to write for school*  
> also me: *starts writing a new fic*
> 
> a a aa a a a a


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